Why Did I Write Johnnie and Me?

Why did you write this book? Have you always been interested in writing? What do you write about? When did you first start writing?

These are all thought-provoking questions that I am frequently asked from friends and family. I’ll start by answering the last question first.

I was in grade three at Lord Nelson Elementary School and Miss Krentz was my teacher. She asked my classmates and I to write a story and gave us very simple instructions on what to write about. What is important to you? What do you like to do? Why?

I knew what was important to me at eight and a half years old. Every Saturday night our family would watch Hockey Night in Canada.  

So, I decided to write a story about my favorite hockey team; the Toronto Maple Leafs. It was dated April 27, 1967 and the Leafs had just won the Stanley Cup. I loved the Leafs and my passion for sports was apparent even as a youngster.      

In high school, I loved to write stories about my life experiences. My topics leaned towards family, sports, and alcohol. I was inspired to write about exciting football games, hangovers and a bad car accident. Writing seemed as natural as playing sports. I was inspired and I loved doing it. It wasn’t work; it was fun.   

I had a demanding grade 12 teacher who pushed me to be more insightful, creative and grammatically correct. He was very picky, but also very encouraging. I responded well to his teaching and decided to pursue and develop my English and writing skills at university. I enrolled in a 1st year English course at the University of Manitoba hoping for the best. Unfortunately, I was taught in my opinion by one of the worst English professors ever. Instead of encouragement and inspiration, I received discouragement and destructive criticism. I somehow got through the course and received a passing grade. But after this sour experience, I put down my pen for many years.

In my 20’s and 30’s I had excelled in school, sports and also in my chiropractic career. However, I carried a huge monkey on my back for over 3 decades. I had become entirely consumed with using and abusing alcohol and drugs. I did not know it at the time but I was at the end stage of a terrible illness.

My desire and love for writing reappeared during the darkest moments of my addiction and also during the early years of my recovery. Writing helped me express my feelings in a healthy way. It kept me grounded and connected.  Fortunately, I was able to overcome my dependence on mood altering substances in my early 40’s.

Talk therapy (through my support groups) and writing were keys to my recovery from addiction. I wrote my 1st book “Embracing the Journey of Recovery” in 2007. I wholeheartedly embraced the journey of writing and getting my book published changed my life. My confidence soared and I was very relieved to tell the world my story. I strongly believed that my experiences would be able to help at least one other person climb out of the depths of despair.

The two big messages that my writing emphasized were:

1.      “You are not alone.”

2.       “There is hope.”

I found it incredibly freeing to no longer hide my secrets.

I did a book launch, several presentations to community groups, radio interviews and contributed many articles for magazines, journals and newspapers.

Eventually, I realized that there was only a limited amount of energy in my gas tank. I was in full time practice as a chiropractor, training for Ironman triathlons and promoting my new book. I could not sustain the pace, therefore I let the writing go. It was great while it lasted. It was the right choice. I had and still do have a very understanding partner, Laurie who has loyally supported me in my pursuits and she reaffirmed my decision.     

After about a 12-year hiatus, I started to get the writing itch. It was during the Covid years.

Sales of cannabis and alcohol soared as the population was getting sick and tired of isolating, masks, vaccines and never-ending mandates.

I was in the process of building my new chiropractic office when the government shut us down. When we were allowed to reopen, we had to have a printed out Covid safety plan ready for inspection by the friendly and sensible folks from Work Safe BC. (sarcasm intended) Putting together that document ranks as one of my worst writing experiences ever. However, I intuitively knew I would be one of the 1st offices to be inspected and I was ready…

The man from Work Safe BC was very satisfied with my cooperation, congeniality, preparedness and safety plan.    

I now had Work Safe BC off my back but there was a lot of uncertainty and fear for everybody everywhere. The office was open and I was seeing patients. I was grateful that I could once again provide a valuable service for my community. However, daily living for most of our population seemed to be very difficult. We were all in a state of turmoil. Even shopping for groceries was a major ordeal.

In my heart, I knew that I needed to find a few new “healthy” habits to help manage my stress level. My first new habit was to start meditating. I had done meditating from time to time so it was not brand new to me. However, I wanted to try a different approach and purchased Dr. Wayne Dyer’s small but powerful book called “Getting into the Gap.”

I embraced this method passionately and have been meditating (getting into the gap) regularly ever since.

Next, I decided to start journal writing every morning. I only write one page daily, but find it very therapeutic.

Finally, I committed to doing a daily reading from “The Course in Miracles.”

Every day without fail, I faithfully complete these morning rituals. They rituals have been life altering and liberating. No matter how crabby, cranky or stressed I am in the morning, I start my day with reading, writing and meditating.

Sometime near the end of Covid, I was scrolling on Facebook and an ad caught my eye. There was an author advertising a course about using writing for stress management. He had made it specifically for those in the health professions needing help with this issue. I was intrigued by the proposition and decided to take him up on his offer to try a no charge introductory zoom call. We would both know by the end of the call if we were a “fit” to work together. We seemed to mesh well and agreed to work together through a course of 6 zoom calls.

Jack El Hai was very encouraging, knowledgeable and experienced in his craft. I was willing to learn and work hard. He gave me reading assignments and also writing assignments. I loved it.   

Over several months, I had amassed a catalogue of stories that had been reviewed and critiqued by Jack. He encouraged me to keep on refining them. Many of my stories came from painful memories and ramblings from a very dark place over 25 – 30 years ago. I was struggling mightily with addiction and writing about them. I was able to express my feelings and share these frightening stories to a few compassionate confidantes.  

I shared very personal details in these stories to Jack that I had not disclosed in my original writings years ago. I loved the writing process as it helped me manage stress and clear my mind.  

Shortly after the end of the Covid era, I made a big decision in my life. After 35 years, I was going to retire from my chiropractic career. I started the process by cutting down my hours and telling my staff. And I was fully supported by my partner Laurie. I had the date on the calendar and it was going to happen. My last day of work was going to be Thursday July 13th, 2023 and I would be officially retiring on my birthday, July 14, 2023.

Then came the really hard part. I had to tell my patients. As much as I loved my patients and my career, it was time to step away. The response from patients was both heartwarming and heartbreaking. My patients were sad but also very supportive. They asked me what I was going to do with all my time.

Although, I had always been very physically active, my body was wearing out. I could no longer do Ironman triathlons and marathons and needed to find something less physically demanding.  I desired a goal that would bring meaning to my life and help others during retirement. What would that be?  

I could write another book! “It can’t be that hard, can it?” I exclaimed.

I have a whole catalogue of stories. I am sure I can write a book if I can do it at my own pace and with a little bit of guidance. But first I need to write about some issues that I have never really processed and let go. If I could do that, I am sure I could write another book and get it published.

Luckily, Jack was available for a series of 5 sessions to help me along with my latest venture. I needed to dig deeper into my past and deal with some issues that caused me guilt and shame. I still had guilt for past actions during my addiction years and shame that I was not a worthy person. The dictionary definition of shame is, “a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises from the perception of having done something dishonorable, immoral, or improper. People who experience shame usually try to hide the things they feel ashamed of.”

That particular definition seemed to check all the boxes. I felt guilty for being responsible for causing a fatal car accident when I was 16. My logical brain said” no way”, but my emotional brain said, “yah, but if you had been on time, two people would not have died.”

There was also the trauma and humiliation of being sexually assaulted by a priest. Was there something wrong with me? Was it my fault. Why did it happen?  Again, my logical brain was saying, I was not responsible for what happened. But, deep down in my soul and psyche, I felt weak, vulnerable, incompetent and unworthy. In sports, I felt safe. On the football field there were referees and spectators and teammates to ensure fairness. I was fearless on that playing field.

However, the power imbalance in physical size, cultural authority and believability between a priest and one of his vulnerable young parishioners was enormous. When my own parents didn’t believe me, I was doomed. They could not even fathom something like this could ever happen. Were it not for my sister believing me, the abuse would have gone on for a long time. I talked to the crown prosecutor years later when the priest had been criminally charged for his crimes and went to trial. Some boys had attempted suicide and others I knew personally couldn’t even put three words together in a sentence.

The goal for me was four-fold. Write about these events, feel the feelings, express the feelings and let them go. I had done this to a certain extent in my first book and previous writing, but now I was ready to divulge it all.

I had to put all the experiences and stories together and publish another book…

The message would be very simple but powerful. The key to recovery is by connecting to another human being on a heart-to-heart basis. There is always hope and you are never alone. Despite what the politicians say and what the headlines read; recovery from addiction comes from one human being helping another. Not from a prescription pad.  

Next on the agenda was another big challenge. How am I going to get my book published? According to various industry estimates, around 1-2% of submitted manuscripts get accepted by traditional publishers.  I futilely started to Google non-traditional and self-publishing book publishing options.    

Then it hit me…

I have already published a book with Morgan James publishing in New York. Why don’t I contact the founder, David Hancock? He is probably too busy to answer my email but I will ask anyway. In my email I let him know that my book published by Morgan James totally changed my life. I told him I was just finishing up a new manuscript. “Who should I contact for getting this book published?”

About a week later and much to my surprise, I got a personal response. David was thrilled to hear from me. He very much appreciated my email and would be honored to take a look at my manuscript and then discuss it with me on a phone call. I sent the manuscript with no expectations whatsoever but at least I had a chance.

After several emails and a few zoom calls with David, I hoped for the best. Then came the verdict…

“Larry! Congratulations! Morgan James Publishing has accepted your manuscript.”

Yahoo!

I am ecstatic. I am back in the game again. My 1st book was published a long time ago in 2007 so I feel like an excited rookie who is playing in his 1st football game. As with my athletic career, I have a bit of talent and I am combining it with a lot of effort, enthusiasm and energy.

I am excited to be working with the Morgan James team and my editor Arlyn. They have many ideas and suggestions and are helping me maximize my unique perspective and dogged determination. I want to get my message out to the world.   

I am truly hoping that when you read this story, you feel a heart-to-heart connection.

There is hope for you!  You have a bright future! That is the whole point of writing this story and writing this book. During this process, I am feeling excitement and fear simultaneously.

It is much the same feeling as I felt at the start line of an Ironman triathlon. Can I really do this? Well, I’ve done it before and I am determined to do it again.

Start your healing journey today. Ask for help. Or reach out and help some person who is worse off than you are.

See you at the finish line for the celebration….